10/30/2017...3 minutes before midnight...I haven't been sleeping well. When I do sleep, I dream about this whole situation and Effie and this looming surgery. Last night, I woke up after only being asleep for a little over an hour...it felt like I had been sleeping for 10. I woke up from a nightmare that the hospital wouldn't proceed with surgery until we paid some huge amount of money up front. Truth is, I'm not sure how we will pay for all of this, and I cannot possibly imagine what our part will be with insurance. One thing I am sure of is that it doesn't matter. We will do whatever we have to do, and do without whatever we have to do without. Somehow, God has always taken care of us and it just worked out...the financial part of this will too.
I went to work this morning not knowing when our appointment with the neurosurgeon would be, and worried that I wouldn't hear from them. So, what do I do? Well, I call at 8:10 this morning, right after they're open. Initial relief, when an office staff woman was already working on it turned to worry then. It's a busy practice? It was Friday when I found out....is it really on the top of somebody's priority list on a Monday?? How bad is all of this? The MRI scan looks concerning to me, but that's after googling images and comparing. I didn't learn how to read MRIs...I learned how to take care of women and their lady parts. My over anxious inner self now has to wait to hear back from them as to an appointment time. We have another MRI tomorrow, this time of the brain, so they're trying to see us around that appointment too. Within the hour, it was scheduled and the day pushed forward....only it felt like it was a time warp. The girls I work with are amazing and we laugh a lot, but today I put on my mask a day earlier than Halloween. Honestly, if I wore on the outside how I really felt today, I would probably just be panicking or crying most of the day. I'm okay when I'm preoccupied, but when it gets quiet, my mind starts to wander. It didn't help that mid morning, I realized that due to the appointment time and MRI, Effie would be missing Halloween and trick or treating. I know many would say that wasn't a big deal, but to a 9-year old girl who loves every opportunity to dress up, it really is. I started devising a plan that would take the boys with us and end with some trick or treating in an Atlanta friend's neighborhood.
I snuck out quickly to grab something light for lunch and immediately when I turned the car on, a song by Laura Story, Blessings, started playing.
It was great. Truly meant for me to hear it at that moment. Back in the elevator going up, I was alone. I lean back on the elevator and all of a sudden I feel like the air has been sucked out of the elevator...felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't like feeling so anxious. As with getting older the last few years, I certainly am more anxious than before, but this is different. The fear of the unknown is what always sets folks back. I found that true in labor and delivery as well...the unknown always made the pain worse. It's that way for me right now...not knowing exactly what we are facing and exactly how bad her case is, that's the main source of my angst.
But...we are so blessed in this house, and our situation seems manageable with surgery from what I've read. I found out today that the same surgeon that we will see today was the one that performed surgery on a friend's son just a couple of years ago. She said this guy is awesome...that's a blessing. Cullen, who never wants to pray aloud at dinner, asked to pray Sunday night, he thanked God for the "lovely food, then asked God to help Effie through this surgery. And Amen. Short and sweet, but what a blessing to hear him want to pray out loud. Blessed to be able to just get in our car and be able to afford to eat and travel to Atlanta. For that we are blessed. Blessed to have gotten so many messages and I can truly feel that others are praying for us. If you're reading this, please keep it up!