October 27, 2017......Do you ever look at people when you're out and about? I mean REALLY look at them? Ever see anyone upset or wonder why their red, swollen eyes don't meet yours? What are they thinking, or what are their worries? So often we don't really take in people...
Today, I was the one that purposely didn't meet eyes with strangers...the one that hoped the other strangers wouldn't notice. I dried my eyes...they were still red and swollen, but I put on the best face I could and carried on. I didn't want anyone to notice, but if someone had noticed and truly cared and had concern, I would have welcomed a stranger's hug.
Rewind the day...today was the day for Effie's MRI. She has been anxious about it all week, but today was the day, and she has been talking herself into staying calm to avoid sedation...SHE ROCKED IT!! I've been convincing myself all week that her MRI would be normal..she doesn't have any classic symptoms of any of the three things they are ruling out, so no worries. We walked out with our heads held high, and we were both so proud.
Less than 5 minutes after walking out of lunch, my phone rang and it was an Atlanta number, so I quickly answered. It was her orthopedic doctor (the one that ordered the MRI) . I didn't catch on to the tone of his voice initially, because "hey! the MRI is going to be normal"...that's what I thought. When he asked if I was ok driving for him to talk to me, I knew it was bad news. She has a Chiari malformation and a syrinx. My mind was spinning "How?! She's fine.", I thought. The doctor explained that he had already spoken to a pediatric neurosurgeon that will be seeing us Monday or Tuesday. He reassured me..."we will take care of her" and tried to explain as much as he could...much of it, I'm sure I couldn't even process.
I'm a straight shooter, if it barks and wags it's tail, I'm going to tell you it's a dog. My husband and kids never wonder what I'm thinking...I'm sure it's not the best quality, but believe it or not, I'm much better than I used to be. I needed an honest answer, so I told him I wanted him to be straight with me and I finally asked "what are we looking at?" His response..."surgery in the next two weeks". There my eyes are stinging again, and Effie began to cry. He again reassured me "we are going to take good care of her". I know he hears the pain in my voice and his compassion truly touches me...he has since texted me to make sure we made it home ok...my heart is reassured that we are in the right place.
There are so many questions that we have, but we were just so unprepared for this answer. With just the minimal looking I've done, the decompression surgery looks scary to this mama. I know God is faithful, and already Effie is the one doing the reassuring that "It will all be ok". She is so trusting, but earlier when she's asking me "why is this happening to me?", my heart was breaking.
I didn't go public with this initially, but I feel like this is easier than trying to tell the story over and over. And, this sweet girl has so many people that love her, and I am so thankful for all of those that prayed and thought of her today. Her teachers and classmates were all trying to help her in preparing for the MRI, and she couldn't wait to send them the message that she did it without sedation! Please continue to cover all of us in prayer...tonight my heart is broken and so very heavy about so many aspects of all of this. Right now, she sleeps right beside me and we anxiously wait for her Daddy to get home, and I know he cannot wait to get here and wrap his arms around her. If you see here out and about in the next short while, give her a hug.
"To trust God it the light is nothing, but trust Him in the dark -- that is faith" ....C.H. Spurgeon
I am going to snuggle her extra tight tonight and trust Him in the dark.